I have always known about myself that I was different. And by that I mean way deep inside, sort of a loner, a thinker and a dreamer.
When I was a little kid I was always full of joy, giggling, being sweet and always well behaved (okay, mischievous at times). That sweetness has always stayed in me ever since, but as I grew older, a sense of depth and seriousness developed as well from an early age. I only had a few good friends in school, and never belonged to any groups. I was rather like a mediator - I tried to reassure the 'bullied' ones and I never really interacted with the 'popular' ones. I was just on my own. I have always been that quiet type. For some reason my self-expression, like speaking my mind was always suppressed in my school years. It was done by the other side to make me not be able to communicate or speak up for myself. My throat chakra was blocked. It had also got to do with the lack of self-trust. Certain things like this are set up by the other side to make you be a certain way. The ability to speak up has been suppressed for way too long. That suppressing energy has now slowly been dissipating.
I always felt closer to nature than society or people, somehow it just feels more 'homely'. It doesn't mean I didn't want friends. I had a best friend, and that was enough. I was looking for precious connections, like-mindedness, sharing the deeper and meaningful things. I very much wanted a 'best friend' and I was lucky to have one throughout my primary school years, and the same happened during my high school years. I was never that popular kid in school. I was rather 'neutral'. I never really wanted to be popular, but at times I was wondering why I wasn't. And I kept questioning why I felt distant from others in a way, if I was too serious, or just had a very different personality. I didn't though, because I got on well with almost everyone. But how I was perceived in school made me question a lot about myself, my personality and why I lacked in relationships. I liked being on my own, although it made me feel and be lonely. but that is the way I am. I look for values and depth in people that is hard to find.
Ever since I was a child I was interested in space. My favourite subject was biology and geography that I aced. I just found space and the planets fascinating, what is actually out there. I aced grammar and literature as well, even drawing classes. But I am useless in maths. I create my own reality and logic in mathematics. My brain just doesn't function that way. Mathematics is too realistic. I am very visual. And I like to be far away from reality - I am an air sign after all (Libra). My mind is usually elsewhere.
I always loved fascinating and exciting things that made us think outside the box, like the hypothetical existence of UFOs. I always believed in the existence of extra terrestrials. I was very much into the subject. so much that at nights I would barely sleep sometimes because I was too scared to fall asleep. Then later I realised something about my childhood fascination and fear of UFOs. Me and my sister have a mutual experience that I will share in a different post.
I was brought up as a catholic. Some Sundays we would go to the church, very rarely though. My maternal side has kept the traditions of this religion so I went through the proper process of communion or whatever it's called when I was in primary school. I never felt any ties with religion, the church or any act that religion promotes. Never resonated with me. A total bullshit was what I felt. I couldn't wait to get home from the cold church, every time we went there I was bored as hell. I always wanted to believe in something, and I did, but not according to an institution. I wanted to find my own God’. I wanted to find out the 'truth' about God. I even tried to talk to God many times while I was a child. I tried to believe in it. I kept asking for evidence, to show that 'he' really exists and explanation for all the bad things that had happened in general or in my life. Of course 'God', pictured and perceived as a male in religion, that all-so-mighty god let me down. Because every time I asked for him to do something good I wished for myself or for anyone, it never happened. Never communicated with me. I started feeling a certain way about god or religion. In a way I always had this forceful way of believing in God through the catholic institution. Then at some point I just let it all go. I started realising it was all bullshit. The whole perceived image and being of a God that is all mighty, not caring about our wishes or creating bad things in life, it came down to a total deceit and failure. I totally stopped believing in any of it. I must have been about 13.
I just tried to find the answers for what's out there. I knew something existed. Something that is above us and controls us and our lives. But it's not the God according to the religions and books - that I knew. I just kept going by not really caring about it. I started to reason about things like nature or myself, to draw the ties together. I started to reason about myself more. My teenage years have been the most precious to me, I still wish I could go back to that time.
I was close to my maternal grandmother. She was the most humble and innocent person I have ever known. Unfortunately all my grandparents passed away pretty early. My maternal grandmother passed in 2008. I have an experience with her that is pivotal in my spiritual journey and that marked my first ever metaphysical experience. My grandmother was religious. She wanted to believe in God. The very God that created all the abuse in her life she went through. She had a tough life. She still wanted to believe that god was good. There are so many nice and humble people like her that want to believe in a god, that maybe one day it will do something good in their life, or at least it will treat them right. Is it right? Can God treat us badly? Hell yeah. Why? Because he is an asshole, right? So why does he punish us when we are good? If God exists, why does he beat us up and abuse us for no reason? Why does the bible say if someone punches you in the face turn your other cheek too? Because it's a total bollocks. the Bible teaches you to follow the herd. To be a sheep that is beaten up. There is no mighty God. None. Not the 'God' all these junk books talk about.
Back to my grandmother. We used to talk about after life. We even joked about when she dies she must give me a sign from the other side. Then in 2008 a week before she died, I had a dream with her. In the dream it was a nice summery day, and she came to my house, walked right up to my room. The motions in the dream seemed very slow as she was walking up the stairs to my room and it wasn't her physical body in the dream but her spirit. It looked like her spirit and later I realised it was. She stood at one point in my room and looked outside the window. That was my whole 'dream' about. A week after this dream she got into hospital with a stroke. Another week later she passed away. I was the last one to see her. I kept thinking about my dream. It took me months to realise that she was looking at the hospital in my dream. The hospital is right opposite my room. It made it all clear that it wasn't a dream. Her spirit came to me while I was asleep to tell me that she was going to leave.
Since that encounter I was even more fascinated about the though of spirit, metaphysics and the other side. I always believed in afterlife too, more precisely reincarnation. I truly hope that my grandmother's spirit is ridding itself of all the abuse it had in her life and that her next life will be wonderful. I miss her. The majority of her frequencies were yellow colour. It was her favourite colour too. No wonder. We are usually attracted to the main colour of our frequencies. in this life, her being my grandmother was so nice. In spirit, we have known each other for a long long time. We have had other lives together before, and I know that for many reasons. One being that two years ago I reconnected with her spirit, she came to me, and we 'hugged' each other like two very old friends. But this is another story and another post.
Around 2013 I started seeing number sequences such as 1227, 1337, 1447 and 1557. (I will write a separate post about number messages and numerology). This was pretty much the next step in my awakening process. I have been seeing these frequencies for quite a long time now (even today) and they are actual messages to me numerically. They are always personal messages to you. The first number I started seeing was 1337. I didn't realise for a long time that it was an actual message. I just kept seeing it. First I found it cool, then it sort of started to annoy me. Every time I looked at the clock I saw it. I started looking on the internet about the so-called 'angel numbers' (which is another bollocks by the way - whatever they write about the numbers and their meanings is inaccurate). I did start believing it was a message though. But I tried to figure it out what it actually referred to. Later on, after 1337 the rest came. 1227, 1447 and 1557. It became a whole sequence. Thanks to Jay Essex I finally knew what they meant. We read the number messages from right to left. Number 7 means spiritual knowledge, then double 3 means strong interaction with others, and number 1 can either mean for the self or entirety. In my case this message to me is that I meet others to talk about spiritual knowledge/spirituality. After all this is why I am here, to awaken others.
Around the same year I started seeing these white energy waves right before I went to sleep. I closed my eyes and I saw these circular waves of energy passing in front of my eyes. Sometimes it was so intense I couldn't sleep. Other times this white energy looked like the wifi sign. Later I was told that it was unicorn energy that I saw, either my own unicorn energy or the unicorn's energy around me when they come too close. For someone like me it was not hard to 'believe' this was all real. It seems and sounds surreal for the first time, especially for non-believers, but this is what it's all about. It's my own being that all this is embedded in, to believe in what we don't see is there, to search for the answer and understanding of the other side, the metaphysical, what we really are. energy is everything. The main thing is, you have to feel it and know it for yourself. I am not here to please others. I am here to share knowledge. We are all energy, where we come from is energy and everything that surrounds us is energy. I slowly realised all this, although this fact is embedded in everyone. It is all about realising this fact, and the key to unlock it is within you. For most people it is a very slow process to become awaken but this is how creation was set up in the first place. To make us not realise our potentials, and for our potentials to be kept hidden from us. I was slowly but steadily led to the path of awakening. I had different sources, people, books and experiences coming my way to learn from and gain more understanding from. I got this cool book about numerology, 'The Life You Were Born To Live' by Dan Millman. I'd like to talk about this topic in a different post but it made me realise my own life path that is number 7. Number 7 is spiritual knowledge. By the way, number 7 has been my favourite 'lucky' number since childhood, and it is associated with colour purple, my favourite colour (violet). Coincidence enough? I don't think so. Whatever the book says about this life path is 100% me - couldn't be more accurate. My actual birth number is 25/7, therefore these numbers are pivotal in my life and also determine also personality. I will talk about this later.
The journey of my spiritual awakening really took off at the end of 2014 when I found Jay Essex in a Youtube video. I knew straight away that I had to get in touch with him. It all made sense to me what he was talking about in his videos. Shortly after getting in touch with him he explained to me about my own spirit. He told me I had female Source spirit in me. In that moment I felt like all the questions I had about myself ever since childhood were answered within just a couple of minutes, like that light bulb just switched on in my head. It all made sense why I have always had this sort of feeling in me that I want to change the world. Jay Essex has the most powerful male Source spirit inside him and has the most powerful metaphysical power on this planet as of now. He sees metaphysically very strong. Everything has become so much more clear to me since I met Jay, and of course I was meant to find him sooner or later. It is all made sure sure by the other side. Everything happens for a reason. You meet certain people for a reason. It all became clear to me about my own being and spirit, what my purpose is in this life. I began to understand more about myself, my frequencies, the way I am and think, the way I am with other people, the way other people are with me, and so on. This is one of my strengths - understanding. I am usually thirsty for knowledge. Thirsty for finding out and understanding things, myself and other people. I have realised my potentials, and one of them is understanding people. I just love analysing and understanding other people. I have always had real deep feelings and emotions. I have realised my heart is both my weak and strong point. Love and feelings are the most important things to me. No wonder, my heart energy field is the biggest of all energy fields, and I have always felt that. I always feel things with my heart. I feel people's feelings, thoughts, negativity, energy, frequencies etc. I see with my heart. Yes, you can see with your heart. The heart is the strongest energy field. Love is the deepest and most precious feeling we can ever feel. I have an awful lot of love and compassion in my heart. It comes from Lilly, the female source energy field. Part of her energy is what's in my body right now, my spirit. She is extremely powerful and loving.
Like an avalanche, after I met jay and having received a few crank ups by him, I have started experiencing metaphysical encounters – I started having more visions, then in 2015 I started experiencing the so-called ‘crank up’ by the other side to make me more advanced physically (DNA) and metaphysically. There are two types of crank ups but that is a different post. I have learnt a lot about understanding the other side and what really exists metaphysically, as well as physically like our friends in space that I have always believed in anyway since childhood. I will talk about my metaphysical experiences separately too.
So pretty much this is my story in a nutshell and the sum of my spiritual awakening journey so far. It is not as vague it seems like in this post though. There is much more to it. I will be doing posts about different things. Awakening is an ongoing process and it will not stop until I die. We learn every day, we learn until the day we die. I know there is a lot ahead of me and a lot that I will be doing and involved in to make people realise things and to somehow try to make this planet a better place.
ZSUZSANNA TOROK, 29, METAPHYSICAL PRACTITIONER 🦄
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